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The Detroit Lions will play at home Sunday.
The Oakland Raiders, an uninspiring 4-5 club about to take their annual November-December nosedive, are coming to town to do battle with our Lions, owners of an even sadder 2-7 mark and heading straight for a top pick in next year’s NFL draft.
So what would compel anyone to go to Ford Field this Sunday? I have no earthly idea.
But let’s try and come up with 10 reasons why someone might attend this unappealing professional football contest -- if we can think of that many.
1. Tickets were free. And you got a parking pass, too. And the seats are on the 50-yard line. And you get to enjoy a complimentary halftime buffet. And you get to call some of the plays on offense. Unless all these criteria are met, then it’s probably a “Thanks, but no thanks.”
2. You’ve never been to Ford Field. This is a legit reason, but in all honesty, after being open for business the last 15 years or so, who hasn’t been down there yet? And if you’ve gone this long, might as well keep the streak going.
3. A family member is on the team. Maybe your nephew is a backup linebacker, or your cousin plays on special teams. If that’s the case, of course you’d want to watch the game live. But if it’s a second cousin or even lower on the family tree, it’s probably not worth it.
4. You are a player. You’re one of the guys that puts on a uniform. Yes, you should be there -- though nobody would judge if you decided instead to just sleep in.
5. You bought costly tickets before the season This is where the majority of Sunday’s crowd will come from; people that splurged for pricey seats thinking this was going to be a playoff team, but are now stuck holding the tickets with absolutely no appeal on the secondary market. Go ahead and try to get somebody to give you even $5 for a ticket to Sunday’s game. You’d have an easier time selling someone an open-fingered oven mitt.
6. You’ve been to every game for 25 years. t's hard to end a streak like that. You feel obligated to at least make an appearance every home game Sunday. Though if this is indeed the case, I question why you began such a streak. Lou Gehrig, you are not.
7. You don’t care for your family. The wife has been riding you all week, the kids want to go to the petting farm for the 75th time this fall, and there are enough leaves in the backyard to classify your home as an actual forest. In this case, the trip downtown is understood. You know in your heart the game will be awful, the Lions probably will come up short, but still, this home game is an improvement over your home life. So get out and scream for a few hours at the game; you might return home a more sane individual.
8. You live in Detroit now, but hail from California and are a lifelong Raiders fan. These are perfectly reasonable circumstances for which you’d attend the game. Seeing your squad in another team’s building is a fun fan experience, and in this case, with Ford Field likely to be half-empty, you won’t have to worry about excessive heckling or someone trying to rip off your black-and-silver Charles Woodson jersey. (Yes, he’s still in the league...and still good, for that matter. Woodson is 39 and tied for the NFL lead in interceptions)
9. You’re trying to impress a new girlfriend. Actually, this is a horrible idea. First of all, who goes on a first date to a football game, and secondly, who considers Lions’ football to be real professional sports? Scrap this one and take her to the new Hunger Games movie. Everyone will be happier. And there will probably be more people at the theater than at Ford Field.
10. You thought someone invited you to see the Pistons or Wings game, and it’s too late to back out. The lesson: it’s always important to be very clear of any invitation before delivering a full confirmation in return. Now you are locked in, a six to seven hour chunk of your Sunday about to be devoured by Detroit Lions’ football. Just treat it like you would going in for an intense, heavily involved surgery. It’s going to be very painful, you will not look forward to any part of it, but at the end, it’ll be over, you’ll have survived and are free to resume your regular life, albeit having gone through a traumatic afternoon of agony, the likes of which you will likely never entirely recover from.
