Always Be Closing: Realtor Sends Curbed Detroit The Greatest Fan Mail Ever

Ok, we admit it. We’re totally jealous that Curbed Detroit’s Sarah F. Cox gets angry letters like the carefully deconstructed correspondence below and we don’t. 

Here’s the backstory, a couple months ago Curbed challenged Indian Village residents to rewrite a real estate listing for a neighborhood property. Apparently, Realtor Nick Anderson did not take kindly to the constructive criticism from industry media. So he—always a good idea—dashed off a midnight email to Curbed and, as firm believers in an open and expansive discourse, they printed the letter in full. We're doing the same. Our comments are in italics.

I recently came across your website and noticed my listing in Indian Village featured in your 'marketplace' section. after reading your pithy commentary I felt obliged to address your snotty, punk-ass attitude.

If he had merely “felt the need” or simply “wanted “ to address Curbed’s “snotty, punk-ass attitude,” one might not even bother paying attention. But since he “felt obligated”, maybe we should read further…

First, and foremost, I take umbrage at the fact that you would employ the feeble mind of a "Villages local" to re-write MY listing comments.

So, you are selling property in the Villages and also stating publicly that anyone who purchases said property will have feeble-minded neighbors? I may not own a red blazer, but that doesn’t seem like the best sales strategy.

Having spent some considerable time in that area I can tell you unequivocally that nearly all of those "locals" are self-absorbed idiots without a pot to piss in.

Bro, you totally need to put that on the for sale sign: If you live here, you’d be home by now…and surrounded by “self-absorbed idiots without a pot to piss in”!

I met none who, like me, made a living convincing outsiders to buy into their precious 'hood, yet they were only too quick and happy to offer their unsolicited, and usually erroneous, advice.

So, there are no Realtors living in the Villages? Based on Nick Anderson’s letter, that sounds like it might be a plus.

I am a multi-million dollar RE producer. I think I have a pretty good handle on how to describe a property. (this one, with its "bad" description had more offers than you can shake a stick at) I have a 100% sell-through for my listings so I think I know how to do this stuff. Your snide, pathetic comment regarding my leasing language indicates that, like the "Villages idiots", you, too, have no clue what it takes to convince buyers to part with their money.

And here we shall quote Sinclair Lewis, America’s first literary Nobel laureate: “His name was George F. Babbitt. He was forty-six years old now, in April, 1920, and he made nothing in particular, neither butter nor shoes nor poetry, but he was nimble in the calling of selling houses for more than people could afford to pay.”

Your arrogance in thinking that ..."the place deserved a better" description is simply sheer asshole-ism.

Or maybe the place actually deserved better. Here’s a tip, chotch, when you put something (i.e. a real estate listing) in public view, it may be subject to public criticism.

you have a website for which no one holds you accountable.

If only there was some kind of agency that would tell websites what they could and couldn’t say, then we’d be a wonderful and magical place. Like North Korea, but with more marketable subdivisions.

don't presume that imparts upon you any actual knowledge or authority. stay in your mom's basement in your undies; eat your Cheetos; and let the adults make the world go round.

Mitch Albom-2005-bloggers-in-the-basement crack. Seriously. Here’s an animated gif of Orsen Welles applauding for your fresh insight.

More importantly, we get it. You read Ayn Rand when you were 15 and now you think your ability to walk people through houses they might want to buy makes you Hank freaking Rearden. You’re not. The greed and myopic stupidity of the American real estate-industrial complex nearly knocked the world off its economic axis just a couple years ago. So, on behalf of productive, gainfully employed people in industries that actually do make the world spin, shut the f$#@ up, Mary. – JTW

P.S. On a personal note, I know we’ve had a lot of fun here today, but I just want to say that my own handful of experiences with Realtors were professional and first-rate. Kind of too bad guys like this schmuck gives the whole industry a bad name. You can learn more about Realtors and real estate best practices at your local library.