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The Tigers have won a couple of ball games, but the seat under skipper Brad Ausmus is still as hot as can be. Rumors about his in-season successor continue to cascade.
Omar Vizquel moving from first base coach to the big chair? The crusty Gene Lamont getting another shot to run a big league club? Or maybe it’ll be Ron Gardenhire, longtime manager of the division-rival Twins?
But why does it have to be one of these ultra-logical options? Can’t we go outside the box a bit, maybe even find someone with little or no baseball experience?
Let’s take a look at a half-dozen candidates that might not have crossed your mind.
Huel Perkins
Huel Perkins
The newsman at FOX-2 has always been cool as a cucumber. Honestly, have you ever seen Huel lose his cool or composure on the air? Me neither.
He could be just what the doctor ordered over at Comerica Park. His rock-solid demeanor would command immediate respect inside the clubhouse. If Huel can tame those shouting maniacs on Let It Rip, he should have no problem keeping a bunch of baseball players in check.
Charley Marcuse (The Opera-Singing Hot Dog Man)
I can’t rationalize why this choice would make sense from a win-loss standpoint, but it might be worth it just for the mass outcry from the fans in the days following this pitch-imperfect choice.
Charley Marcuse
There was a time at the CoPa when Charley Marcuse was very popular. Fans dug his zany approach to selling dogs and even appreciated the deafening operatic performances every couple innings. Then the organization turned on him, put the shackles on his vocals and ousted him from our lives.
For a franchise that is sometimes considered unimaginative and slow to change, there’d be no bigger about-face than the hiring of Opera Man to run the whole shebang. Plus, the team would probably sell a lot more frankfurters in the process.
Joe Louis’ Fist
Okay, this one might take some getting used to. And yes, there would be plenty of people that would say you can’t hire an inanimate object to manage a baseball team.
The Joe Louis Fist
But just imagine for a second. The next Tigers player puts his helmet on and is about to pop out of the dugout to enter the on-deck circle, but before doing so, turns to the left and fist-bumps his manager sitting right to his left, and it is an actual bronze fist. Talk about getting hyped up. Who wouldn’t be ready after that managerial motivation to go up and sock one 500 feet?
Admittedly, late game decision-making could get dicey since the team’s manager would have no speaking voice, but with the Tigers playing in the DH-friendly American League, there’s virtually nothing for the skipper to do anyway.
There might also be concern as to whether this “manager,” which is 24 feet long and weighs north of 5,000 pounds, could fit in the dugout. But all you have to do is pop out the fencing a tad and let Fist stretch his metaphorical legs into the playing field. It is no doubt unconventional, but this original choice could be a real knockout.
Karen Newman
Who in Detroit doesn’t like Karen Newman? She’s been doing the anthem at Red Wings games for about 20 years, and much like Vanna White and George Blaha, never seems to age in the slightest.
Karen Newman
Also, as a Red Wings mainstay, Newman is already chummy with the Ilitches, making for an easy transition over to the other pro team in town.
It’s unclear what baseball acumen Newman possesses, but with the Tigers sleepwalking through large parts of the last couple seasons, maybe a few pre-game clubhouse concerts would inspire the boys to greatness. Imagine going to work each day with the knowledge that before you went off into battle, you’d be graced with a full catalog of Bob Seger and Kid Rock tunes, via Karen Newman’s velvety pipes (she has sung back-up for both). I’d think you would be more than ready after that killer performance to hit the field and take care of bid’ness.
And with a female president likely on the way in a few months, the Tigers could join the revolution and become the first major sports franchise to hire a woman as head coach; some quality PR for a stumbling team in need of a jolt.
Dan Gilbert
Dan Gilbert
He winds up controlling everything in the city anyway, so why not get a step ahead and just offer him the gig from jump street?
Plus, if the Tigers were ever to sign a free agent in the future and said player doesn’t quite pan out, Gilbert could come up with some type of way to wiggle out of the contract and make the government cover the rest of the tab. Like an FHA-backed loan, for example.
Any Lafayette Coney Island Super-Waiter
Baseball is increasingly becoming a game about math. Analytics now play a major role in the game. Each ninth-inning matchup is broken down into splits, reverse-splits, and pitcher-batter history.
So having said all that, who better to bring in to run the show than the arithmetic wizards over at Lafayette?
You’ve seen them in action. There’s a table with 11 people jammed in from every angle. This guy ordered two-on-one, the woman on the end just had chili fries, the couple over there never stopped eating. None of the orders were ever written down and all there is to show for the meals is a mish-mosh of plates, glasses, and pools of ketchup. How in the world is this tab going to be properly calculated? Just watch.
Lafayette Guy ambles over, takes a few seconds to assess the situation, plays back the dozen or so orders in his head, and shoots you a total amount that has not once been questioned in the 100 or so years the place has been in existence.
Bottom line: the skills translate from coneys to lineup cards. If you can mental math an entire order for 35 drunk and starving people on a Saturday night, there should be no problem determining whether it is prudent to give Justin Verlander the hook after a shaky last inning.
There are only 25 players to account for on a baseball team; this guy can balance 25 plates on his arm without breaking a sweat (I’ve seen it).
If and when the time comes to give Brad Ausmus the boot, the team need not look more than a few blocks over for his replacement. With heavy chili.
